


The Desire To Be Someone Else

by leszayn



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Zarry-centric, Zayn-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-22
Updated: 2013-11-22
Packaged: 2018-01-02 09:10:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1055019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leszayn/pseuds/leszayn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You have above average social anxiety. Your social behavior is more greatly influenced than most people by concerns about what others think of you and fear of rejection or disapproval. Although you may avoid some social situations that you see as unimportant, you are still able to handle most necessary social situations. You could benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy to address anxiety and irrational beliefs about social interactions”.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Desire To Be Someone Else

**Author's Note:**

> Hello
> 
> I kinda don't like this story very much, I feel like it's pretty dumb and unrealistic but I thought nah, I'll post it and see what happens, so here it is! ^_^
> 
> I apologize in advance for any grammar mistakes, I am not a native English speaker sooo, be patient with me please :)

“Ready for the VMAs guys?” Louis asked in the limo on their way towards Staples Center in Los Angeles, where it was held. “Yeah, totally!” Niall answered, overly excited as he always was at events like these.

The thing is, this time he had the right to be overly excited, because this was their very first VMA appearance and hopefully not the last. “Our first VMA nomination, I am definitely ready. I am ready to win” Harry said.

“Woah there mate, I am still processing the fact that we are actually heading towards the VMAs right now, and if we win a Moonman, it is most definitely going to be impossible to process!” Liam said excited too, making them laugh, while Zayn was sitting in the corner, quiet. “Zayn, aren’t you excited?” Louis asked when all of their attention turned to Zayn.

He looked away from the sight outside the window and looked at his four band mates and smiled, “yeah, yeah of course I am” Zayn answered smiling, “I can’t wait” he added faking another smile.

At the VMAs, they sat in their reserved seats and watched as the show started with an opening act from Rihanna featuring Calvin Harris and A$AP who performed the new songs “Cockiness (Love it)” and “We Found Love”. And right after the performance, Kevin Hart took the stage as the host and hosted the rest of the show, which included a few more performances by Alicia Keyes and Taylor Swift.

And with nominations and winners announced in categories like, “Best Male Video”, “Best Female Video”, “Best Hip-Hop Video” and “Best Video With A Message”, until they finally got to the part of the show where they would announce the winners of the category, “Best New Artist”, which One Direction were nominated in.

The boys went dead quite, all of their focus was now at the stage, waiting excited and nervous for their names to be called.

Wiz Khalifa and Kesha made their way, arm in arm through the stage and towards the stand with a red convolute in Wiz’s hand.

“Once again, here are the nominees for Best New Artist” Kesha started. “Fun feat. Janelle Monae, We Are Young” she read out while a round of applause was given to Fun, at the mention of their name. “Carly Rae Jepsen, Call Me Maybe” she continued and another round of applause sounded, “Frank Ocean, Swim Good” she finished. “One Direction, What Makes You Beautiful” Wiz said continuing for Kesha and a huge round of applause was given from the crowd, which gave the boys tingles and goose bumps and it made them smile like crazy, god knows how much they loved their fans. “The Wanted, Glad You Came” Wiz Khalifa said finishing.

“And now the VMA for Best New Artist goes to” Kesha said and Wiz Khalifa put aside the microphone and started opening the convolute, the excitement obvious on the boys faces from their smiles. “Fun feat. Janelle Monae, We Are Young” Kesha burst out and a huge round of applause sounded, while the boys smiles faded away for a second but they smiled again and clapped with the crowd, trying as hard as they could to hide their disappointment.

They watched as Fun made their way up to the stage to receive their Moon man and they watched as they gave their speech and thanked their families, friends and fans. The boys were disappointed and sad to be honest, but they didn’t show it and they accepted it eventually. They shouldn’t have gotten their hopes up so much and they knew their fans tried as hard as they could, and yeah, you can’t always win.

“Maybe next year guys” Niall said patting Zayn’s back who was sitting beside Niall, but the guilt in Zayn was killing him inside. The rest of the evening went quiet around the boys as they watched the rest of the show and the last performance before heading back to the hotel they were staying in for the night.

On the way, in the limo, Zayn could see the sadness and disappointments on the boys’ faces, and his heart broke and the guilt got worse, what the hell was I thinking? He thought to himself. At the hotel, the boys decided that they didn’t want to spend their last night in Los Angeles crying over a Moon man they lost fair and square, so they decided to go out and have some fun, get a drink or something.

Zayn wasn’t feeling it though, he excused himself and said he was tired and went up to his hotel room that he was sharing with Harry this time, while the boys went out. Zayn knew they were gonna get over this at some point soon, but still, this was going to haunt him for the rest of his life.

He changed his clothes into proper pajamas and sat on the bed with his computer, where he decided to check Tumblr and see what the fans were saying. A lot of them were disappointed, many of them said they didn’t try hard enough, but some of them were optimistic saying that they were gonna do it better next year. He was so ashamed of himself, and he stopped looking through the comments and tried thinking of something else to occupy himself with on the internet.

-

“You have above average social anxiety. Your social behavior is more greatly influenced than most people by concerns about what others think of you and fear of rejection or disapproval. Although you may avoid some social situations that you see as unimportant, you are still able to handle most necessary social situations. You could benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy to address anxiety and irrational beliefs about social interactions”.

It’s been two hours and here Zayn was, reading through a test result he just took on the internet, a test about social anxiety. Zayn always knew he had some kind of disorder and that’s where he stumbled across the term social anxiety. He didn’t think of it as that bad, right until today, not only has it affected him today but other people too.

He was sat on the bed, curled up looking at the screen in front of him, reading through the results over and over again, until the door of the hotel room opened and Harry entered. Zayn didn’t look at who entered the room, he kept his gaze at the screen.

“Hi Zayn” Harry said closing the door after him and taking his jacket and shoes off at the doorway, “what’cha doing?” Harry asked walking over to Zayn on the bed, looking at him then at the computer where Zayn was looking, “Zayn?” Harry asked beginning to get a little concerned.

Harry moved closer to the screen and read through the words on the screen. “What is that?” Harry asked looking at Zayn, “what does that mean, what is that, Zayn?” Harry asked again sitting on the bed looking at Zayn, Zayn turned his gaze at Harry and looked at Harry’s eyes.

“Are you okay?” Harry asked, “Zayn?” he said. “I voted for Fun” Zayn burst out looking at Harry, “what?” Harry asked with furrowed eyebrows, “I voted for Fun to win the VMA” Zayn said, “many times” he continued, “what? What are you talking about?” Harry asked confused.

“Voted for Fun? Why did you vote for Fun, Zayn?” Harry asked, “because I am stupid” Zayn answered, “I am stupid and worthless and confused and I was scared” Zayn answered. “Does this have anything to do with what’s on the screen?” Harry asked, “maybe, I think so” Zayn answered, “you think you might have social anxiety?” Harry asked, Zayn nodded.

“I voted for Fun, to avoid going up to the stage in front of that big crowd and all of America” Zayn said, “I was part of making Fun win instead of us, and disappointing you and our fans, what does that say about me?” Zayn asked, and Harry looked at Zayn speechless. “God, I am so stupid” Zayn let out covering his face with his hands, ashamed of himself. “Zayn” Harry said sighing, “why wouldn’t you wanna go up there? You have been on stage before, since when has that become a problem?” Harry asked, “I don’t know” Zayn answered removing his hands from his face but not looking up.

“We haven’t been on stage for a long time now and this is different I think” he said, “the VMAs is in front of celebrities, loads of celebrities and important people and in front of all of America, and it made me so nervous, I was shaking every time I thought about it. I don’t know when it started but knowing that so many people were gonna look at me up there, made me nervous and shaky, sometimes it even made me wanna throw up and the fact that I was probably gonna talk too made It more difficult for me” Zayn explained.

“So I voted for Fun, I was so desperate for us not to go up there, so I voted for them, I don’t know how many times, but a lot, and now I regret it, because you were so sad, I made you sad, I was part of making you sad and part of making us lose our first VMA and I feel like shit you have no idea” Zayn said his eyes starting to get weat. “Sometimes, sometimes I just wish I was someone else, someone brave, someone, anyone, anyone else but me” he continued, tears forming in his eyes.

“This is just like in school, but worse, I always used to ditch school whenever I had to do a presentation in class, it made me nervous to have people looking at me, judging me and laughing at me. What if I said something stupid or what if I did something stupid, was always what I was thinking about, so I ditched school, every time, and it got me in so much trouble but I did it anyway. This is just like that but worse, much worse, because this wasn’t just about me, this was about you guys too” Zayn said looking at Harry.

“You and the guys, you wanted to win the Moon man so badly, and I messed up and I am so, so sorry” Zayn let out a tear rolling down his cheek, “I wish I could turn back time, maybe if I didn’t vote for Fun, we would have won. Maybe if I didn’t vote, it would have made a difference but I can’t and I am sorry, I really am and I feel so stupid and I just, I just wish I wasn’t me, I wish I was someone else, anyone but me” Zayn finished looking at Harry with tearful eyes then down at his hands sniffling and wiping away the tear rolling down his cheek.

Harry was looking sad at Zayn, he had no idea that Zayn was feeling like that. “I didn’t know you felt that way” Harry let out and Zayn sniffled again, wiping his eyes with his shirts sleeves not looking up at Harry. “You probably think I am pathetic now and a bad friend, sometimes I even think to myself, why the hell would any of you guys wanna be friends with me” Zayn said truthfully his gaze still fixed at his hands. “Zayn” Harry whispered moving up beside Zayn, leaning against the headboard beside Zayn looking at him.

“What are you talking about, of course we wanna be your friends, you are a good guy” Harry let out and Zayn shook his head. “Nobody likes me, I am annoying and unlikeable and embarrassing” Zayn said “I don’t even know how I am gonna get through our next tour” Zayn said.

Harry looked at Zayn with sympathy in his eyes, he wasn’t sad about the Moon man anymore, right now, he just cared about Zayn. Zayn with things Harry didn’t know about at all, Zayn was opening up to him, like really opening up to him, Harry had always thought Zayn was open to him and he was, but this was deeper than the usual. Harry reached out for Zayn’s hand and held it squeezing it. Zayn looked at their intertwined hands and then looked up at Harry, with his now slightly red eyes from the crying.

“Zayn, this isn’t something you should be ashamed of, and I am so glad you are opening up to me, finally, this is good for you, and you should have talked with me about it, you should have told me before” Harry said.

“I don’t care about the Moon man, fuck it, right now, all I want is for you to talk to me and tell me how you feel, everything, I wanna hear it, I wanna hear it and I wanna make you feel better, you know why?” Harry asked and Zayn shook his head, “because I love you Zayn, that’s why” Harry answered and Zayn’s eyes started slowly prickling again with tears, from how emotional he was and from Harry’s words.

“You are not annoying, you are not embarrassing, you are great Zayn” Harry continued, “you are a great person, and you can achieve so much, I know you can, but if you let people’s opinions get to you, the bad ones, then you won’t.

You shouldn’t care Zayn, there are always the people that don’t like you, always, you can’t have everyone to like you” Harry said and Zayn nodded knowingly. “I know, and I don’t want to care, I really don’t, but it just makes me uncomfortable, I don’t want people to look at me, I don’t want to be the center of attention, I don’t want to meet new people, and that’s the problem. All of that is part of the job, all of it, and I love my job, I love singing, I’d much rather avoid the socializing part, but I can’t and I don’t know when I started feeling like this, but I don’t want to feel this way but I do and I can’t seem to stop it!” Zayn said frustrated and Harry raised his other hand and caressed Zayn’s cheek.

“Okay, okay, calm down now, just listen to me” Harry said making Zayn look him straight in the eyes, “I will help you” Harry let out, “no, we will help you” he said, “all of us, we love you, I just want to you to know that we love you, we love you exactly the way you are, and I don’t want you to doubt that for a second, you hear me!” Harry said looking determined at Zayn’s red eyes.

“We love you and always will, no matter what people say, and no matter what you do and what you say, we will always love you and stand by you, we will always be your friends, I don’t want you to doubt yourself, I don’t want you to question why we are friends with you or why we wanna hang out with you. We wanna hang out with you because we like you Zayn” Harry said, and Zayn had to take a moment and breath while listening and looking at Harry with wet eyes, taking in every word he was saying. “Now voting for Fun was a mistake, I admit it, but it won’t happen again, because now I know what’s going on and I will help you through it, through everything.

You will go up on stages and you will perform and you will accept awards in front of a big mass of celebrities and I will be there, I will make sure to be there, always, and you will be okay with me, with us by your side okay?” Harry let out determined, and Zayn nodded closing his eyes and crying.

Harry had no idea how much Zayn needed to hear those words until now, or maybe he did, but he was sure that they were gonna stick, those words were gonna stick with him forever and he appreciated them so much and even more coming from Harry.

Zayn leaned forward and covered himself in Harry’s chest grabbing his shirt and crying silently into his chest, while Harry held him closely, tears threatening to roll down his cheeks himself, but he held it together. Harry just couldn’t understand how a smart, beautiful and talented person like Zayn could feel this way.

He was great, how could he doubt himself, but the right question was more like what made him feel this way? “Shhh Zayn” Harry said caressing his hair when he wouldn’t stop crying his heart out, “it’s gonna be okay, alright, forget about the stupid Moon man, it’s alright, I am sure the boys will forgive you, and you’ll be okay, alright” Harry said with a calm voice. Zayn slowly stopped the crying and he looked up at Harry’s shiny green eyes, “thank you” Zayn let out, “thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me” Zayn said and Harry smiled caressing Zayn’s cheek.

“You are welcome” Harry said, “I’ll always be here” he said for the last time before they went under the sheets, Zayn positioning himself under Harry’s arms for a cuddle, before he closed his eyes and fell asleep not even giving Harry the chance to change his clothes, but Harry didn’t mind, all he cared about once again was Zayn, and only Zayn.

He couldn’t sleep though, all he could think about now, was how many people were affected by this, social anxiety and all the other disorders similar, not only Zayn but a lot of people were having issues like that, and it saddened him. He was sure that a lot of people could achieve so much in this world and influence so many people, but he was afraid that some of those people were struggling with disorders like these, and he wished that those people would just be strong and think about the positives, think about their abilities not the people, think about the people that might learn a lot from them.

People’s opinions or just people in general shouldn’t be stopping you from doing what you want, you shouldn’t care about them, you really shouldn’t, all you should care about is yourself when it comes to what you want and what you want to achieve.

People are always gonna talk, always, but that shouldn’t affect anyone, do whatever the hell you want and stop worrying about people. Judgy people can go to hell, right now it’s all about you, and only you, go ahead and live your dreams, stop living in fear, stop caring, say what you want, and if you need help go ahead and get some help. If you can’t do it alone, tell a friend, tell a family member, ask for some help, talk to a doctor, talk to a therapist, it helps, it really does. Else than that, don’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion, only yours is what matters, don’t be shy, just go ahead, live life and enjoy it.

Maybe I should make a foundation, charity foundation for people with social disorders, it could help a lot and it may also even benefit Zayn, Harry thought. But for now, Harry hoped that his words had really affected Zayn to the better, and that he was ready to go against the world with him, and the guys of course. He hoped with all of his heart, that Zayn would get better, that everyone would get better in the far future, or very soon hopefully, he hoped and prayed so much.

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on fiction ONLY!
> 
> Because One Direction won three VMA awards, yaaay! :D
> 
> Hope you liked it!


End file.
